Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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