Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
pop tarts are not kleenex
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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