I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
