I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
