I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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