i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
