He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
