ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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