My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My vagina just clenched in fear
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
