You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
