I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
