I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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