Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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