Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
