I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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