drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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