Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
