One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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