Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
They took my balls.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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