What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
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In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
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we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos