"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??