Well apparently he's into motor boating.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk