my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
and she was petting her beer can
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Dating After Heartbreak
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.