SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
