Betty ford says i'm here all night
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
