My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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