I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
