Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
