i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
