nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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