You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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