I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I could make wine with my vomit
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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