I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
