can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
