You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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