Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
