We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
