I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
