If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
