I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
