Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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