I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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