Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
