well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
