Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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