It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
