we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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