If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
