look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
