if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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