Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
