We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
