about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
