my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
