i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Dicks are not precious.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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