Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
