Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
